Today I …

  • washed, dried and brushed my hair
  • put on jeans for the first time in about 7 weeks (non maternity although obviously not pre-pregnancy size!)
  • made my own lunch
  • did a load of washing (necessitated by massive baby poo-splosion)
  • left the house for the first time since going into hospital
  • WITH THE BABY
  • pushed my baby in the pram for the first time
  • bought a desperately needed nursing bra
  • had hot chocolate and carrot cake in the cafe
  • washed up
  • started off cooking dinner
  • ate my dinner one handed while holding/feeding little pudding baby
  • listened to yesterday’s News Quiz on iPlayer
  • phoned my mum AND my Grandma
  • become very teary looking at the photos of TTB in the hospital as he has changed so much already and it feels like he is not the same baby as in those photos
  • tried to make sense of all my feelings (not going to happen soon I feel!)
  • read Alice’s blog and was impressed by her sttrrrrrrrudel and cried a lot again at her blog post about TTB
  • typed a blog post one  handed.

Tiny Tin Bird

 

Hello friends :-)

Massive thank you for all your congratulations and kind comments, I sat up reading them all last night with TTB snuggled on my chest. We’re working on convincing him that he can’t be on me all night long … slow process but entirely necessary as the last two or three nights I have literally sat and held him all night as he won’t accept being off me. Early days, we’re working on it etc but jeez it’s scary on your own in the middle of the night with a baby.

Anyway we came home yesterday and I flip between gushing with love for him and being entirely terrified, scared, panicked and overwhelmed. I don’t think I’ll do a “full details” birth story on here as it’s a bit personal but I don’t mind sharing some things with you. I was due to be induced on the 20th (at 12 days overdue) but my waters broke on their own at 11:15 on Tuesday 18th. We went to the hospital as contractions didn’t start and they agreed to send me home with a “wait and see” approach but to come back at 10pm the next day to be induced if nothing had happened. You should know at this point that Andy had been up since FOUR am to start work at 6 and by the time we got home after the hospital he’d been awake for 22 hours. Just typical that the baby picked that day!

Contractions did start but not frequently or strong enough so we made our way back to the hospital at 10pm as planned for an induction. This was hideous. The whole experience of being on the induction ward was just horrendous and the midwife I had did not share the same attitude towards my labour as I did. I honestly did not know at this point how I was going to deliver the baby and I was terrified. The ward was extremely hot (I can’t emphasise enough here how HOT it was) and I felt like my body was in distress because of the heat. The staff were really busy that night and had a lot of deliveries so nobody was able to check on me through the night and I was very scared and alone. It was a long night.

Skip to 10am next morning after that horrible night. Andy was able to come back in to be with me. TTB’s movements inside me were so painful, more so than the contractions, that I was worried. He fetched a midwife for me and they examined and said that I was ready to go to the delivery rooms. I’d made it to 5cm on 2 cocodamol and just breathing through them on my own. Started to feel a bit more confident.

Now then. When I went to the delivery room I was assigned a student midwife who stayed with me the whole time. She and her supervisor and the other midwife that looked after me were FABULOUS. So, so good. I have named them in the positive feedback that I gave to the hospital. I was in so much pain because after each contraction baby would move painfully and this was followed by another contraction immediately, there was no breathing space. I got a bit hysterical at one point but they really helped me with the gas and air and after a bit I was well away. I laboured for about 9 hours on gas and air and some more cocodamol and I felt amazing, really in control and happy and just like I could Do This and do it well. I’m so glad that I have this positive experience of my labour to focus on as this portion was exactly how I wanted it and I was so incredibly proud of myself for doing it like that. Empowering. Sadly it stopped going to plan after that as I had only progressed to 7cm so they put me on the induction drip to push the contractions along. This meant a canula in my hand, and an internal heartrate monitor on TTB’s head. This was horribly uncomfortable and the monitor stopped working when I sat in the chair (I’d laboured in a chair the whole time, couldn’t do it on the bed) and so the labour went out of my control. The shifts changed and I had the midwife on duty again (the one that I didn’t like) and urgh it just all went a bit wrong. Long story short, TTB had changed position, things weren’t going to progress and it was clear that he wasn’t going to be born naturally.

So after a bit of a tearful and scary few minutes as I listened to all the risks and complications and scary bits and bobs I signed all the forms and was wheeled off to theatre for an emergency caesarean section. Having the spinal was horrible as I was so tense and scared and whatnot but after it was in I didn’t really care because I couldn’t feel anything anymore!

Then Andy was brought in and after a few minutes I heard a baby cry. It was incredible. I’d been so fraught and scared and had only been thinking about what I’d been going through that I had forgotten the reason why we were there. It took a few seconds to register that our baby had been born. Our baby. Wow. The doctor lifted him up over the screen and said “So you want to see your baby, yes there are some bits yes it’s a boy here you go!” and I laughed at the way he said it and it makes me laugh still. The paediatrician took TTB and checked him over and announced his weight … 9lb 7oz! goodness me. Then she wrapped him up, passed him to Andy and told him that he was just fine. I was so relieved that baby was safe, Andy was safe and the doctors were doing whatever they needed to that I had a little sleep on the operating table. Well I was tired!

In recovery, they latched TTB onto me and I saw him properly for the first time. I was breastfeeding and it was amazing. The circumstances weren’t ideal but we were all safe and I had my baby, and I was feeding him. That’s us in the top photo, in recovery, completely amazing.

Over the next few days I stayed in the hospital because apart from the normal recovery from a section I had lost 2 litres of blood during the surgery (apparently we only have 5 litres in our bodies at all) and I needed two blood transfusions. I was also on a lot of other intravenous drips for antibiotics as my waters had been broken for so long. TTB also needed IV antibiotics so the poor wee thing had a canula in his hand and a splint on his arm for 3 days. He’s fine though.

 

 

Sorry that was a bit longer than I intended it to be. There’s loads I haven’t included, I think I will write the rest down at some point just for me. But yes, that’s the story of how the most beautiful boy ever made came into the world and there hasn’t been a person yet who has crossed his path and not fallen into those deep blue baby eyes. He is so strong, so alert, a little cuddly pudding and he’s changed our lives completely. I love him so much that I just can’t get over it. I feel like I’ve known him my whole life. He smells divine and he is so snuggly. A snuggly little pudding.

Perfect.

I imagine blogging will be sporadic at best for a while given that I’m only just remembering to do things like feed myself at the moment so please bear with me. It’s just a break, I’m not stopping blogging or anything like that, and will post when I can. Thanks for your understanding.

xxx